Being a mom is an amazing, very rewarding ‘job’, and I love every minute of it. Well almost every minute….. I’ll explain. When I became a mother, it was like a part of my brain that wasn’t really used before opened up 24/7. This part is called “Unnecessary Worry and Paranoia”. Let me explain how this part works…..
I spend every second of every day worrying about my child, and whilst I do this my brain takes me through all the worst case scenarios. For example, my daughter is going to a party with her Uncle, Aunt and cousin today. The party is about an hours drive from home. Now instead of my brain playing nice and giving my lovely thoughts of how she is going to play and have fun, its showing me car crashes, accidents, falling, hurting herself etc.
At one point, soon after Jaes birth, I thought I may be losing the plot a bit. I had never had to deal with a constant worry that something was going to happen to her. I asked my mom if she thought I was okay, and her words to me were “Emy, being a mom makes part of you a very morbid person”. It is impossible not to worry, how would I cope if something had to happen.
The hardest part of this paranoia is trying to keep it to yourself. I don’t really want to be calling every 5 minutes. I also don’t want my family to think that I don’t trust them and for my boyfriend to think that he needs to find me alternative accommodation (ie madhouse).
So I will just sit in my office (yes, I’m at work) and keep myself busy and try my hardest not to crack up.